


Sometimes you bleed by the actions of a broken mind

by fanfictionwriterinprogress



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Civil War, Civil War Team Iron Man, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, The Author Regrets Everything, Tony Stark Angst, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, i made myself cry while writing this, not team Cap friendly, not wanda maximoff friendly, suicidal Tony stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-20 13:08:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13718361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfictionwriterinprogress/pseuds/fanfictionwriterinprogress
Summary: Steve walking away with his old friend under his arm, leaving an old one behind. Because that was all Tony apparently was to him. Something to fill the whole. And now Steve didn’t need him for that anymore, because he find someone else, someone much better. Throwing away the shield like it was nothing, like he was nothing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> >>>TRIGGERS PEOPL!!<<<  
> more info about the triggers can be found in 'end notes', but please take care and do not trigger yourself hon<33 okay love you

Steve had _left._

 

And now Tony was left to pick up the pieces. 

 

He couldn’t but hope whenever he walked into their (former) shared bedroom that Stew would walk out of the bedroom any minute, wearing nothing but a towel hugging his hips, and his body glistening with water. And then it would hit him all over again. 

 

Steve never did return. 

 

And somehow the letter, only made it worse. 

 

Steve didn’t return because Tony wasn’t worth it. And he never would be to anyone. He wasn’t to Pepper, he wasn’t to Steve. Hell, the only person that always stood by him was Rhodey and look what happened to him. Tony couldn’t help but think that maybe he was the bad seed in everyone’s life. He had done so much bad, and he had done so much good trying to make up for his ‘Merchant of death’ time, but that in the end turned out to cost even more _civilian_ lives. So, maybe Tony just didn’t deserve to have anything nice, since he clearly only turned it bad. Captain freaking _America_ couldn’t even love him, so what hope did he have left? If America’s golden boy couldn’t love him, then what did that say about him? If the man that was famous for being sweet and kind, would hold the murderer of his _mom_ higher than his own boyfriend, then what did that say about the state of Tony Stark’s conscience? 

 

Not even the bas of whatever rock song he had made it to on his playlist could drown it out. He just wanted it all _to end._

 

He tried working harder and more focused. Drowning himself in too loud music and math and code. But it _didn’t work_. Because he didn’t have the hand that would make it all go away. That could make his mind go somewhere else. He didn’t have that anymore. Because he _was not good enough_. 

 

All he could feel was round metal hitting his chest. Steve’s determined eyes drilling into his soul, unyielding and uncaring. He didn’t even care if he hit the reactor powering his suit leaving him immobile and without help. Steve walking away with his old friend under his arm, leaving an old one behind. Because that was all Tony apparently was to him. Something to fill the whole. And now Steve didn’t need him for that anymore, because he find something else, something much better. Throwing away the shield like it was nothing, like _he_ was nothing. 

 

Sometimes he wonders if Steve would have continued. The shield hitting soft flesh and going down to the bone. Not caring what he did to Tony. Sometimes he clawed away from the flashback with red marks on his chest. Tony couldn’t even bring himself to care anymore. 

 

Because maybe Tony wasn’t even worthy of having his blood on Captain America’s hand. 

 

——

 

Tony needed something to make his thoughts disappear. 

 

“Shut everything down, I will come back to it tomorrow”

 

“Sure, thing Boss” 

 

Tony tried not to wince. Jarvis, his AI Jarvis was dead. Joining all the others of Tony-Starks-protectors in the afterlife (even though Tony didn’t believe in that). He wouldn’t get his Jarvis back, but everyone expected him to be okay because apparently Jarvis wasn’t even _real,_ only a _machine_. While to Tony he had been so much more. But no one understood that. 

 

The bedroom was lacking something. There had always been a certain light to it _before_. Something that could shine when Tony was lost. But now he was lost, and it wasn’t and would never be there anymore. And Tony couldn’t even seem to care. He knew what or more like who was lacking. And for all Tony Stark could do, it was something he could never get back. 

 

He wanted every remnant of Steve _gone._

 

 

His clothes even still had a fragrance of the shampoo Steve always used. 

 

And Tony wanted it all burned and buried. Every piece that was a reminder of something he couldn’t have anymore. 

 

Piles of clothing lay all over the bedroom floor. Thrown away by a man that had been broken so many times he lost count. 

 

He threw some khaki trousers that Steve looked absolutely ridiculous in but he still always wore because it reminded him of his old clothing, when a small black box came free. 

 

Tony didn’t notice it at first, but the sound of rain hitting the floor brought his attention. And then he saw it. 

 

It was a beautiful mix between blue and rec. Their two colors. Entwined with each other, like they would stay together forever. 

 

And Tony _cracked_. 

 

He could distantly hear Friday, but he couldn’t make out what she was saying for all the buzzing in his head. There was a raspy voice telling her to “mute”, and event that feat lead precious air out. Air that he couldn’t get in again. 

 

He couldn’t move. 

 

He couldn’t breathe.

 

All he could do was _remember._

 

Remember the first kiss they ever shared. Rushed because they didn’t know if a shield agent was about to walk into the conference room. Steve hesitant and Tony wondering if Steve was going to survive having him as a boyfriend. All his good ol’ insecurities acting up. Always trying to make life harder for him. Their many dates and nights spend together. Many of the night spent in silence while they clung to each other’s company. Coffee dates where Steve tried Tony to eat at least a little slice of a bagel, before he had to go back to his engineering binge. 

 

He remembered how it felt when Steve betrayed him. Telling him “he is my friend” like Tony meant nothing to him. Like everything they had together was meaningless. How it felt when Steve hit him with the shield over and over not stopping even when Tony held up his arms in defense. He couldn’t bring himself to take the shot, even when the shield was hitting his suits reactor, making a crack that he could _feel_ in his skin. 

 

He was done dealing with it all. He was tired. Tired of pretending like everything was fine. Like he doesn’t spend the nights waking up soaked in sweat. Like his heart hadn’t been shattered into a million pieces. 

 

He just needed it all to end. 

 

He didn’t even know where he got it from. 

 

One moment he was lying on the ground still trying to get precious air into his lungs, the next he had found the cupboard where he kept a hidden gun in case of emergencies. After that all he had to do was pull the safety off and shoot. 

 

He wondered why he shouldn’t do it. The media hated him. Steve hated him. The entire team hated him. His only everlasting friend was in the hospital because _of him_. So really why shouldn’t he?

 

For the first time in a long time, Tony had a real smile on his lips.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve was still running through the words in his head. They didn’t make sense; Tony couldn’t be dead. He could not. He was supposed to realize he was wrong and then come to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again trigger warnings at the end

Pepper was the one that found him. She had decided to come to him, since he didn’t answer any of her calls. Which yeah, he had done plenty of times before, but he always called back when she hit the 10th call, so Pepper knew he was okay. If he truly was too busy he got Jarvis to do it, but it still calmed her nerves that something had happened. From there Pepper usually visited him after a day or an hour varying on how pressing the matter was with her I-am- disapproving -of-you face. A face Tony hated, because he never could figure out what it was he had done wrong to deserve that face. 

 

Now she guesses she wouldn’t be able to glare at him that way again… 

 

Pepper and Tony had been many things, but first and foremost they were friends in every sense of the word. Well, Tony had been a friend to her. Pepper didn’t think she could be worthy of calling her his friend anymore. What kind of friend was she if she hadn’t seen this coming? 

 

She had seen how his smiles had seemed to big. He was beginning to linger in his touches, but always pulling away quickly when he was afraid people didn’t want it (though Pepper made a point to not notice so he continued with the touch he needed). She had tried to do everything in her power to help him, making sure Tony knew that she did it because she wanted to, and not because she felt like she had to. Taking most of the media of his back and trying to get the truth out with the help of her former rival now turned friend Christine Everheart. Most likely raising a few blood pressures wherever team cap was now (though she couldn’t honestly care about them). Putting lawyers to work on the Accords even though she hated doing it, since she knew the reason why Tony wanted them changed was for trying to get Steve back. And Pepper was firm in her belief that Tony deserved so much better than him. 

 

Now it just seemed like it wasn’t enough. 

 

Because Tony had— 

 

Tony had — 

 

Had— 

 

She did not think she could cry more than she already did. She belatedly wondered if she should search for attackers. Maybe Hydra had come in here and— God, she couldn’t even say the words in her own mind. She would think that was what happened if he didn’t have the goddamn most peaceful look she had ever seen on his face ever. Like something heavy was _finally_ lifted from his shoulders. 

 

It did not make it any easier to bear though. 

 

Pepper felt like she had taken everything that had been on Tony’s shoulders onto her own. And she wanted to bear it. Something she could cling to that reminded her of Tony. Something Tony had touched that now would touch her. A last remnant of something she could never have again. 

 

Some people came took Tony’s corpse away to prepare for the funeral. Pepper didn’t want to think about. 

 

God, she needed to call Rhodey and Happy and Everheart if she wanted the truth to get out controlled. She would tolerate no tabloids taking advantage of this. 

 

But at the moment she couldn’t deal with that. 

 

All she could think about was the blood. And the smile, _god the smile._ He hadn’t even left a note. Maybe Friday knew. God, Friday had probably seen the whole thing. Poor girl. She was so young (and yes Pepper did think of her as something more than just a machine) 

 

“Friday do- do” Was that really what she sounded like, “you know if”- She waved at the room in general, hoping to convey her message to gestures since she obviously couldn’t do it verbally. 

 

“Sir, did leave a voice recording, miss Potts” Friday said sensing what pepper wanted to ask. Pepper nodded, and Friday played the message. 

 

 _To anyone hearing this I am sorry. So sorry. Sorry for everything. I know I am difficult, and god I love you all for putting up with me through the years. But I can’t fucking deal with this anymore. Tell Steve that I understand now, I understand why he left me behind”_ It trailed of until a gunshot could be heard. It went straight to Peppers bone’s and send a jolt through her. 

 

She couldn’t do anything than rocking back and forth trying to get air into her lungs. 

 

—— 

 

Steve was on his way to team breakfast. It wasn’t a new thing, but this time it was with a different team. Sam provided the meal since he was the only one of them that could cook a decent meal. And well, their former cook wasn’t here. Steve was still angry at Tony for going against him. Tony had listened to him talk countless times about how he missed his old life back in the forties. How broken he felt every time he found something that Bucky would have liked, only to remember a second later that Bucky had died in a time long gone by for everyone else. Tony could always find just the right things to say to him that somehow always made him feel a bit better. 

 

It was one of those nights were they both couldn’t sleep were they finally kissed. 

 

Steve couldn’t see how Tony wouldn’t realize that the Accords were going to go against them in the end. Making it even harder for him to protect Bucky. But Tony could just not see that. Steve was just trying to protect Tony from the godawful truth about the Winter Soldiers involvement in his parents deaths. 

 

But Steve was also sad, because Tony was still important to him. 

 

He missed his lazy smiles and his laugh lines. 

 

But now he had Bucky back. And he would have Tony back again when he realized he was wrong. 

 

People were chatting around him, but he was to engrossed in eating his food and watching the news. 

 

Steve still tried to keep up with the news even though they fugitives. 

 

Clint was yelling at Scott for stealing some of his pancakes, when a ‘breaking news’ advertisement came up. 

 

“Guys, shut up for a second” 

 

“We are so sorry to say this but Tony Stark has been found dead, the evidence points to a suicide by gun.” Everheart said with a genuine sad smile “Miss Potts, Mr. Stark’s good friend and CEO of Stark Industries, have said that a small funeral will be held at Friday, but people are welcomed to show up after to show their condolences. Miss Potts will also like to inform any members of the former Avengers team that sided with the fugitive Captain America will not be welcome, and if they choose to come then they will be prosecuted and put on trial for various criminal acts. 

 

Steve was still running through the words in his head. They didn’t make sense; Tony couldn’t be dead. He could not. He was supposed to realize he was wrong and then come to him.

 

Everyone around him were quiet. He could hear someone, it sounded like Wanda say “well, God works in mysterious ways” 

 

Steve had never wanted to hit anyone so much, but instead he got up and walked away. 

 

He didn’t know if he should join Tony or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Aftermath of suicide  
> \- Graphic descriptions of suicide 
> 
> \---  
> Hoped you liked the second chapter folks :) 
> 
> Hit me up in the comments and tell me how I did??

**Author's Note:**

> okay so first of all triggers are:  
> 1) suicide (and suicidal thoughts)  
> 2) thoughts about low self worth  
> But if any of you out there reading this find something triggering that I havent listed, then please tell me so i can get it added and warn people that might also find the content triggering, thank you :))
> 
> on another note  
> you have no idea how sad making this fic made me. like I had to go back and watch the Siberia fight again, and I was like sitting for like 5 minutes afterwards just freaking sobbing because of all the tony feels. Civil war broke me okay, just ADSFJFK
> 
> also please tell me how i did or come scream at me in the comments 
> 
> love you guys <33


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